David French | 9/09/2009 9:43:58 AM

This Article was first published in The Morning Bulletin as 'Fees and Fish' dated 29 August 2009.

The local butcher has got something to answer for. Down there on Saturday. Asked for a breakfast rib fillet. Know what? Gave me the biggest slice of juicy premium beef. All smiling and jokey, I know they just want my money. Then they wrap it so quickly. I know the caper - they’re just hiding the fat. Then they weigh the meat in the plastic bag. Keeps the scales clean, but they’re charging me for that. And they use that heavy plastic!

Those taxi drivers are blighters, standing round at the airport doing nothing. I know why they stop at red lights. Meter ticking over while they’re doin’ sod all. And the ones with Prius’, are worse. They’re not even using petrol.

Solicitors and accountants? Don’t get me started. Charging by the hour - partners on the golf course, while the juniors do the work. What about those girly wigged barristers? Time was you’d put silver in their pouch and they’d talk. Now they’re on an hourly rate they never stop.

Financial planners? ASIC hates them – with good reason too. Even the fee for service ones calculate their charges based on the assets they look after. Oh I know it’s simple and spreads the cost of hours spent researching and interviewing management about investments and talking to share registries, the ATO and Centrelink. Planners reckon hourly charging means fees will have to rise, because while all clients get the benefit of background work, not all share these costs. These guys know stuff, but someone already paid for that. I’m not giving them extra. That French bloke – he’s suss. Says he worked his butt off for clients’ benefit over the past 2 years, with fees falling. February comes and he recommends new investments. He’ll get extra money on that. Says that the new superannuation league tables are flawed. What cheek. No, I switched my money to the top performing industry fund. Stop press! – it’s just been ranked 50th out of 50, and is subject of investigation – keep that between us eh?

Yep. Paying people to help me sucks. I say every service business should install a fish tank with barra in it – like the one at the show. Paint prices on the fish, and clients can cast a lure. They pay whatever is on their catch. It’s unbiased and fair. Gives those damn professionals something to do with their time too.

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